and-we-are-off

I am so blessed

Sat, 21 Aug 2010 23:43:28 +0100

Today was another day where my mind kept thinking about the journey we are going to be faced with very shortly. I am extremely scared, very nervous and immensely thrilled all at the same time. Kind of feels like I am back on the Clomid. :) Every day my thoughts are consumed of wanting a baby of my own so badly and wanting to begin a family for Corey and I. Last night at a friends birthday party I met up with a girl who I have only met once before and I suddenly felt compelled to tell her our story and share all of my fears, thoughts, and hopes with her.
Sometimes it is easier when it is someone we are not close to because you feel you can blab without any judgement at all. As I was telling this girl about everything she started using terms that not even my Mom and Sister can remember from what I have told them. She knew what an IUI was, she was asking about the Clomid, she knew of the Regional Fertility Clinic. It turns our her very best friend and husband are going through the same process and path that Corey and I have been on. She also told me that all of my fears and concerns and opinions were exactly what her best friend has always discussed with her.

The more we kept talking the more I started thinking to myself that I am a strong, brave woman who is loved so deeply by a caring, supportive Husband, and no longer did I have as many fears and worries about what the IVF process will be like. For a moment I felt like I was ready to take this huge step and put all of my worries of clotting and finances aside and do whatever it takes to bring a child into this world. I also thought, "How blessed am I? How blessed am I to have found this new friend and to have had the chance to share my story with her without embarassment or fear of judgement?".

Along this path that Corey and I have had to take, God has blessed us with a great support group. He has also brought two other great friends into my life to have as support and comfort during this difficult time. I am EXTREMELY thankful for a co-worker of mine who a year ago provided me much comfort and support and was open to answering all of my questions I have had. I am so lucky to have come across a friend such as her. She is a beautiful, smart and wonderful mother to a gorgeous baby boy who turns one very soon, and her and her Husband were blessed with him through the miracle of IVF. She has opened up to me about her story and I am so thankful that she has felt comfortable enough with me to tell me the ins and outs of her journey.

Just a few weeks ago, I also learned that a friend from high school and her Husband are also at the clinic going through treatment. And although her story and my story are different as to the reasons why we are experiencing conception difficulty we both have the msot important thing in common...we both just want to have the chance at having our own baby but we just need a little push to do so. It has been so nice having her to share her experiences with me and vice versa so I have been blessed with two great people. One who has experienced it and has been through it all and another who is on the same playing field as me and is currently going through treatment just as I am.

It's funny, when this all began and I was told that my chances of conceiving my own child were slim and that it was unknown how much longer my ovaries would work for, I felt alone. I felt lost. I had great friends and family to talk to, but I always felt that by my talking about it all the time, it was an annoyance or a burden on them. But that all has changed. I am starting to realize there are more people out there who struggle with this same issue and who have the same thoughts I have and the same dreams. I hate that they have to deal with it, because I know how hard it is...but it is nice having the sense of understanding from someone who knows just how it is.

With all of this support and friendship, I am as ready as I am going to be to get this treatment underway. September cannot come soon enough. The days will drag on, the weeks will creep by and then before I know it, Corey and I will be thrown into a whirlwind of hormones, needles, ultrasounds and embryo transfers. But the end result is worth it and already I wouldn't trade anything in the world for it. I cannot wait until the day I hold my baby in my arms and think of all we have been through to get to that point. That baby will be the most loved baby in the entire world.

The great thing is that he or she already is.

Well, here we go...

Fri, 23 Jul 2010 19:23:23 +0100

So sorry to have not kept up with these blogs as frequently as I should have. The last time I wrote, I let you all know that we were on our 4th round of Clomid. We were only allowed to do 6 rounds, with the 5th and 6th rounds being with IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). Well, we had the fifth round and I ovulated but the IUI didn't take and we were unsucessful in conceiving.

Today was the day we find out we have to go through with IVF. We are on our 6th and final round of Clomid and I am on Day 21 of my cycle. I had yet to get my LH Surge (to indicate ovulation) so I called the Fertility Clinic and they had me in for Bloodwork and an Ultrasound this morning. I was hoping that it would be good news and that the second IUI could be done right away but I heard otherwise.

I have been feeling 'bleh' for the last little while. My belly has been bloated and sore to the touch and I have rapid weight gain that was making me very upset. I thought these were all symptoms of the Clomid but today Dr. Foong indicated I have a cyst which means the reason I most likely didn't pick up my surge is because the cyst got in the way of the eggs releasing. So she advised Corey and I that we should not do the IUI this cycle and pursue the IVF treatments instead. I was so upset when we heard the news. Through this entire journey I have kept a positive attitude never thinking that we would get to the IVF stage and that either the Clomid alone, or the Clomid with the IUI's would bless us with the baby we so badly want in our lives.

But God has other plans...

Dr. Foong has advised me to take two months off. She told us to relax, forget about everything we have gone through in the last year or so and give my body time to get rid of the cyst. I go for a follow up Ultrasound in September to make sure the cyst is gone and then IVF treatment begins in October. I never would have guessed that we would have to spend so much money just to make a baby, but we decided right from the get go that we would do anything it takes.

I am quite bummed out right now and worried about the treatment and the needles I will have to give myself during the process. Not only that but because of the amount of hormones involved I have to be on blood thinners to ensure I don't clot as my chances are high with having a previous DVT and Factor V Leiden Thrombosis.

I always heard parenthood is not easy and although I won't fully grasp it until we have a child here with us, I already feel that parenthood is tough, even right from when you first start wanting a family. All I ask for from all of you, is your prayers. Pray for Corey's and my safety/health during this stressful process, pray that we conceive this first go around and pray that our hearts are filled with love and happiness. It is so tough to go through something like this and we have been on an emotional rollercoaster for the past two years and having friends and family like you to support us means SO much to us. I will keep you in the loop as this process begins!

Fourth Round of Clomid!

Thu, 29 Apr 2010 22:09:23 +0100

Hi Again-

I need to stay consistent with these blogs. I am sure not many of you read them but it really helps me get everything I need to off my chest. Well, I started my fourth round of Clomid. I am currently on day 14 of my cycle. Which basically means, next week I will go for my Day 21 Progesterone bloodwork which will tell me and the clinic whether I ovulated or not.

I find all of this stuff very confusing every now and then. I often hear women saying 'trust your body' or 'your body will let you know when you are ovulating' but for me that is not always true. On my first three cycles of Clomid, I ovulated twice. Both of those times I can honestly say that my ovaries actually hurt. My tummy ached, I felt 'blah' and when the bloodwork came back saying I ovulated, I wasn't surprised at all. Well, this fourth round it has been hard to tell. The clinic wanted me to test for ovulation using an Ovulation Predictor Kit (OPK). I did that, and on Day 12 when I tested I got a positive for my LH surge, which means I would be ovulating within the next 24-48 hours. I am still waiting for the ovary pain. It hasn't happened yet, so I am hoping it the Clomid worked and did it job. I guess I will have to wait until next week for the answer. :)

Earlier last week I saw flashing and tracing again. It made me very nervous so I decided to call the clinic. The fertility nurses told me that Clomid might not be the right drug for me. This made me sad. All this waiting and waiting and finally taking drugs to assist in conceiving to be told Clomid might not be right for me, was devastating. Luckily, they decided to just decrease my dose. I was on 100 mg but they lowered it to 50 mg. Now I have to hope 50 mg is strong enough.

If this cycle I do not conceive, Corey and I will be doing the next two rounds of Clomid with IUI. IUI stands for Intrauterine Insemination. It is a process which involves taking Corey's sperm and placing it directly into my uterus. It helps the sperm get to where it needs to be easier. It isn't very romantic I know...but the end result is nothing short of romantic and miraculous. I cannot wait until the day arrives that we see the plus sign on that pregnancy test. But Corey and I both know that this is in God's hands and he has a timing for everything, and when the timing is right he will bless us with the most perfect baby that will make us into the family we have always wanted.

I had a dream a couple weeks ago. I dreamt of a friend of mine who had passed away around this time five years ago. It had been awhile since I thought of her and to have her in my dream was nice. I don't remember much about the dream other than she was in it and she was smiling and laughing and was very happy. I woke up with a smile, feeling content that I had dreamt such a nice dream. Well, the next week I dreamt about her again. The fact that I dreamt about her again honestly frightened me. Not to the point where I was scared, but it made me wonder why she popped into my dreams again. But, this time the dream was different then the first. I was in the hospital and I had just had a little baby girl. The dream was so vivid and I was loving it, because I have never been able to vision Corey and I with a little baby. Anyways, my friend walked into the hospital room. She didn't say anything and I didn't say anything back, but she was just there. I wasn't scared in my dream, but I did know she was passed on and I wanted to make sure she was ok. Then I woke up. And as soon as I did, I started trying to analyze the dream...but over-analyzing anything is not a good thing. I like to think of it as her telling me that it is all going to be okay and at some point in time Corey and I will be blessed with the greatest gift of all whether it be a little boy or a little girl.

This just in...

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 23:38:54 +0100

So, it has been awhile since I posted and I do apologize. Corey and I have been VERY busy...
It always seems that come this time of year everything starts picking up and weekends are full of places to go and people to see. Ahh, nothing like the Spring time.

When I last wrote, I told you all about how Corey and I were on our third and final cycle of Clomid. Well, the awesome news is I did ovulate. And really well, apparently. My progesterone level was 106.6. The Fertility Clinic looks for anything over 10 as an indication of ovulation.

Unfortunately, on Sunday I got my period. I was really sad when she came as I was hoping this would be it, but as our doctor said in our appointment yesterday...You have to count your victories! And she is definitely right. I am at least getting my period, where as a year ago at this time, I was not getting it for 70-72 days at a time.

Anyways, after a lot of talking back and forth with our Doctor, she said it would be heart breaking to send a 26 and 27 year old into IVF and to pay thousands and thousands of dollars when the Clomid seems to be working. So we have come to the decision we are going to try three more cycles of the Clomid but with the last two being IUI. IUI stands for Intrauterine Insemination. The pregnancy success rate is higher with that method than with natural intercourse alone. Dr. Foong told me that Clomid is obviously working to make me ovulate so she recommended three more cycles before moving to drastic measures. (aka IVF). The IUI treatments are only $250 which is a huge savings for us if we were having to jump straight to IVF right away.

So...to make a long story short, we have to take two cycles off of Clomid to give my ovaries a break. As Dr. Foong put it, they have been giving their all since December and they need some down time so we don't wear them out. Once the two cycles are done, we begin the Clomid again. To say the least, I am staying very positive and optimistic that one of these next three cycles will be the successful one.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we prepare to beging another journey with Clomid.

Thank you for all of your support.

Love, Victoria

And we're off...

Tue, 02 Feb 2010 17:55:15 +0100

Hey Guys-

I am really going to try to keep everyone posted on what is going on so that you can share in what Corey and I are going through. Today I am on Day 10 of my cycle. To most of you that means nothing, but to me that means everything. We are on the 'Intercourse Stretch'. According to the doctors at the Fertility Clinic we are to have intercourse every other day starting on Day 9 and continuing all the way to Day 18.

I finished my last Clomid pill on Saturday and I am hoping that I start ovulating. Because the doctors believe I didn't ovulate on my last cycle, they increased the quantiity of my Clomid from 50 mg per day to 100 mg per day. In my first two cycles I was quite lucky, I had hardly any symptoms. I was quite bloated (still am) and bitchy but Corey survived! :) However, with this third cycle it is a different story. I am grouchier than ever and the slightest thing sets me off. I am trying my hardest to control it, but it sometimes doesn't work too well. I had heard some stories about people on Clomid having blurry vision or seeing spots. Well, Friday on my way to Alix with Corey to visit family it hit me.

I suddenly started seeing spots. Whenever I moved my head a flashing white/blue streak went across my eyes and everything was foggy and blurry. When I moved my eyes from one point to another everything had an aura around it. I also moved my hand and when I did, I could see my hand in the original spot even though it was resting out of sight. To say the least it was not a great experience and it had me quite scared. It lasted for half an hour then just went away.

My fingers are still crossed that this will be the cycle and that IVF won't have to be the solution to us having children. But God works in mysterious ways and all I can do is it leave it in his hands. I can hardly wait for the upcoming weeks. We will know by the end of this month what lies ahead for us! ;) Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Love,

Victoria